How I feel about turning 30

It's been a weird week.

May 08, 2024

Welcome to issue #9 of Soft Hobbies, a series of creative check-ins for imperfect perfectionists around the world. New posts typically go out every Wednesday. I’m Auzin, a Seattle-based writer in the fiction, poetry, and content writing spheres. To see what else I do across the internet, go here.

Hi softies,

It’s been a weird week. I got my first paycheck from my new job (yay!), had a great conversation with friends who made me feel better about turning 30 soon (also yay!), and experienced intense luteal-phase-induced moods (not yay). I enter a new decade on May 31st, and I’ve been having a crisis about it since September. At this point I just want it to happen, so I can stop dreading the number change and start living with it.

My life at 30 does not look or feel like what I thought it would. As a teen and all through my 20s, I kept telling people (and myself) things like: “oh yeah, when I’m in my 30s I’ll have it all figured out, and I’ll be super hot and in shape, I’ll be soooo confident!” In actuality I’ve been scrabbling between short-term jobs until recently, always confused over my purpose and direction, avoid looking at mirrors on really bad days, and am frantically trying to combat two decades of a sedentary, anxious lifestyle that created the largest body I’ve ever lived in.*

I also live in the coolest house ever, in a lovely neighborhood, with a partner who I’m so happy with that it often feels unfair to everyone else. I never thought I’d have the relationship I have now; I didn’t even think it existed outside of fiction. My friends are great and want the best for me, making this the first time I’ve ever been fully satisfied with my social life. I’ve published two collections of poems, dozens of other creative works, and run a tiny business that celebrates the things I love. I make art on a weekly basis. Art has completely changed my life.

Remembering what I do have, and what I’ve accomplished, is difficult in the face of all my yet-to-be-fulfilled ambitions and goals. Remembering is also essential. Everyone keeps telling me their 30s were their favorite decade, and my fears will dissipate as I begin to experience this fresh start. Cheers to that :)

*This post is not an invitation for anyone to give me lifestyle/diet/exercise advice. I’m handling it, I promise, so leave your comments in your pocket. Thanks!

Here’s what I got up to this week.

3 things I’m reading:

Absolutely loving the Deep Space Nine Companion that I bought a few months ago. It’s huge, expensive (I don’t think many copies were printed), granular, and hilarious. Hoping to get full companion guides for the other Star Trek series’ I like. Essential for fans who are way too into the production side of things, like Ethan and I.
Started Beholder by Ryan La Sala, which I picked up from Charlie’s Queer Books on one of my frequent trundles through downtown Fremont. I’m already not feeling the narrative voice on this one, but I have a personal policy to give every book 100 pages to win me over. If I still don’t like something after 100 pages, I have no qualms about stopping — there are just too many amazing books out there, waiting for me to read them~

Beholder **does** have a coooool cover, though.

My friend Tahlia started a new Substack, and I adore her first post. Anyone who likes Soft Hobbies will love aftersun, similar-yet-different vibes of artmaking and finding joy in the everyday <3 give her a follow!

3 things I’m writing:

Finished a moleskine! YAYYYYYY! Now I can start a new notebook!

Small notebooks like these usually hold my random fragments, flash attempts, goal lists, and dream schedules.

Organized my phone notes and cleaned up some frag files on GDocs. I love organizing.
Wrote another 500 words of a hopeful future collab with my friend. It’s looking like a short story right now.

3 soft hobbies:

I went to a pyrography class at The Works on Friday. Pyrography is a woodcraft that involves using a small hand tool to burn designs into wood. It was really interesting and unique, but I don’t think it’s a hobby I’ll be doing again. I don’t particularly like fire and I prefer my hobbies to be as low-risk as possible. Pyrography isn’t incredibly dangerous, but you definitely have to pay attention, otherwise you risk burning yourself. I burned designs into a wooden board that I plan to serve cheese and crackers on :)

The cutting board that I used for pyrography, now decorated with burned-in hearts, leaf designs, and speckled circles.

Went to Crypticon with Ethan on Saturday! It was our first time at this cute little horror convention, much smaller than Emerald City Comicon (but still with a respectable vendor floor). We got autographs from Jeffrey Combs, an actor who has played nine (!!!) different characters across multiple Star Trek series, and apart from that, is a cult horror icon. It was a fun day! Our next con is WA Summercon in late June.