Having complex feelings about your writing is normal
Let's explore 11 of my published pieces and fight the cringe together!
Welcome back to Soft Hobbies, a series of creative check-ins for imperfect perfectionists around the world. New posts typically go out every Wednesday, and you can respond to this post by liking it, leaving a comment, or hitting Reply to this email. I’m Auzin, a Seattle-based writer in the fiction, poetry, and tech writing spheres. To see what else I do across the internet, go here.
Hi softies,
I’m back from my two-week break with a very special edition of the newsletter! If you’d like to learn more about my published pieces and how I feel about them, keep reading. If you’re in the Seattle area, don’t forget to come say hi to me at Cutie Fest this Sunday, 6/23. I’m so excited for my first vending experience ever!
I have a pretty limited window of time before I start hating my written work. When I start writing a new piece, I feel ashamed of it until it’s revised, reviewed, and considered “ready” for public consumption. After I show it to others, I will be obsessed with it and extremely proud of it for exactly 24 hours before the cringe and the embarrassment and the doubt sets in. Then things get dark, lmao.
Even when I publish a piece, I can barely stand to read it again. I’ll give the proof a cursory glance to make sure there’s no misspellings or weird line breaks, but once it’s live and added to my author website and Chill Subs account, it’s pretty much dead to me and I don’t want to see it again. Of course, I will force myself to revisit old work for live readings, like I did in Vermont last year and Hugo House the year before. But people aren’t knocking down my door to ask me to do public readings, so it’s rare that I go through my back catalog.
This is a shame. Maybe? I don’t know. But I thought it might be interesting for us to revisit a handful of the fiction and poetry pieces I’ve published since 2020, when I started taking writing and publishing seriously. These selections are all available to read for free online, but some of my other work is behind paywalls or in print-only collections. You can see a list of everything I’ve published on my website.
This will all be pre-newsletter work, but here are some of the Soft Hobbies issues I’m most proud of, in case you’re interested.
Now, onto the work
Let’s talk about what works, what doesn’t, and how I feel about these pieces post-publication. This is really embarrassing for me, so please throw a word or two of encouragement in the comments section, or smash that like button. Thanks friends.
“New Animal,” published by Rogue Agent Journal in 2021
Ok, I changed my mind, I don’t want to do this anymore. LOL. Alright, this is a poem, and it’s fine, I guess? The metaphors are heavy-handed and the tone is deeply dramatic. It feels like it was written by a teenager, but maybe that works for the piece? I think the last line is solid and ties things up well. I’m not too mad at this one, it just feels a little unripe.
“Projections,” published by Dead Fern Press in 2022
This is the opening piece in my first chapbook, What Gets Left Over, and I think it’s fun and sassy. I hate the phrasing of the last line though, wish I’d found a smoother way to say that. The overall vibe is very #femalerage, which…yeah not really my thing.
“biorhythms,” published by Honey Literary in 2022
Honey Lit is such a cool publication and I don’t know why they wanted this piece of garbage. Wow this poem sucks.
“My Mother Teaches Me How To Make Khoresh-E Karafs Over Facetime,” published by Nowruz Journal in 2022
This poem has been published in three different places with minimal edits and I’m still proud of it. It should definitely be longer, but the interpolations of Farsi plus the ending are appropriately dire-feeling for the tone of the piece.
“What Gets Left Over,” published by Defuncted in 2022
This poem was originally published in Hecate Magazine (RIP), and it’s the titular piece in my first chapbook. I’m very thankful to this piece and what it’s done for me – I wrote it in 2019 and it gave me the confidence to start submitting my work to lit mags. Happily, I don’t feel too critical of it – the language is appropriately dreamlike (the second stanza was literally pulled from me cutting up a magazine) and I stand by the last line for sure. I think my connection to body horror shows up well in this piece. :)
“copper blood / silicon veins,” published by Rogue Agent Journal in 2022
More body horror! Inspired by the king of body horror, David Cronenberg. I like this one, I think I sound smart in it. I don’t like the first three lines, but hey it felt right at the time. I also wish the title was different; I think this title is boring. Ah well!
“A Hand Hitting A Face, Three Ways” published by Moody Zine in 2022
This was first published in Agapanthus Collective and was nominated for a Best of the Net award in 2022! I didn’t win, but it was super exciting to be nominated for a writing award for the first time. I love this poem. I’ve read it publicly multiple times and am super happy with it. It feels very true to me and I get minimal cringe when I revisit it, thankfully.
“On the day the dogs lost their breeding,” published by Snarl in 2023
Deadass, this poem is so stupid and I can’t believe I’m posting it here for you all to read and make fun of me. :(
“The Meat,” published by Defuncted in 2022
Flash fiction, based on a dream I had. This is…not good. I think the idea is interesting but it’s way too short, there’s not enough character building or setting establishment, and it relies too heavily on telling instead of showing. Blegh.
“A More Private Pain,” published by Vagabond City in 2022
The first stanza of this is great and intriguing. The rest is not. It’s just a little too diary-entry to be a poem and not enough is happening plot-or-character-wise to be flash fiction. I’m glad Vagabond wanted this since they are a great publication. Not super proud of this one though.
“The Most Beautiful Thing In The World,” published by Five on the Fifth in 2024
This is the only individual piece I’ve published in 2024 so far! I’m happy to end this little deep-dive on a good note. This is the first fiction piece I’ve published that isn’t overtly “genre,” and I’m proud of it. I think the characterization is strong and the language is interesting, even if there are some syntax issues. It’s kind of obvious that I started this piece with the last line, then worked my way backwards to craft a story around it, but that’s okay. This proves to myself that I can write semi-literary or YA fiction, and I’d be happy to dip back into those grooves if called to it in the future.
Thanks for joining me on this journey into the past! If you have any questions about publication, shoot me a comment or DM, or check out this article I wrote for Chill Subs about how to get your first publication. If you’d like to support my work, a free or paid subscription to this newsletter is the best way. If you’re in the USA, you can also buy a collection of my poetry from my Etsy store.
Softly yours,
Auzin
This is so vulnerable and so beautiful! I am not great with understanding poems (never have been), but some of these really spoke to me. Thanks for sharing. I also love your own critique of your own work; I know we can be extra harsh on ourselves but it felt like museum audio-guide commentary to me to know what your thoughts are. I wish I had this kind of commentary in actual museum exhibits too, sometimes! How would Hockney feel ab his own retrospective anyway!!!
Thanks for sharing. <3
just my humble opinion but i always find your writing so delicious and layered, and was very proud to have published ‘what gets left over’ and ‘the meat’ respectively.
but totally relate to everything you’ve said here; sometimes the permanence of publication is overwhelming, even painful. (reminds me of a passage from conversations with friends where frances attributes this feeling as reason why she sticks to spoken word/performance art).
like everything else, i think we’re just so overexposed to even our own words that it’s natural impulse to micro analyse. before modern tech, we’d have to be published in a book, and actively read the book, lest it sit on a shelf. it was easier to compartmentalise - plus social has really fcked with our sense of temporality/longevity etc. now with a click of a button we can be confronted with something dead and buried - plus we’re “producing more content” than even before. i think it’s only natural, moving within that pace, to start feeling detached so much quicker.
all this to say, your feelings about your own work are completely valid - and i think the river runs way deeper than our own self doubt
anyway. we’re almost primed to feel that way with the way our words are consumed.
BUT if it’s any comfort, i’ve tried to remember that once the work is birthed out of me, it takes on a new significance to a reader - so even if i lose touch with it eventually, it has very often meant something to someone else.
case in point - i love, appreciate and understand all of your work and there are so many lines that speak to me, so i’m glad that you wrote them. 💜